Marriage is no longer a coveted milestone in life for many
modern-day young adults, the way acquiring a career or purchasing a home is.
Marriage is fast becoming an ‘optional’ choice for a myriad
of reasons, one of the main ones being the reluctance to take on responsibility
and give up personal independence and the ‘perks’ associated with having a
high-flying, solo lifestyle.
Nevertheless, whenever a man does decide to get married, he
always has a vision in mind regarding his future as a result of this conscious
choice. Seldom is marriage an act of charity on his behalf, i.e. men do not
marry in order to just provide for, protect, and take care of their future
family; rather, they get married because they also want something out of this
union.
It wouldn’t be a lie to say that most men, if not all,
desire to fulfill their sexual desires through marriage. They want to start
having legal sexual relations on a regular basis, and most get married
primarily for this purpose, i.e. when they can no longer take living as a
happy-go-lucky, carefree, no-strings-attached single any more.
Secondly, most men desire to continue their family bloodline
through marriage i.e. by having children. Even the most die-hard bachelor types
eventually give in to their growing desire to have an heir after they die,
especially once they start ‘turning gray’.
Thirdly, and this is perhaps the most poignant reason most
men (as well as women) want to marry: they are lonely, and do not want to end
up alone, especially when they start getting old and/or their parents die. They
want someone to come home to; to be by their side when the going gets tough,
and even when the good times are rolling.
Marriage forms the foundation of any family. Every other
blood relationship is a result of marriage.
I Want a Wife.. Now, Which One to Choose?
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) gave some very sound
advice to the men in his ummah (nation) about what to look for, and give
priority to, when seeking a woman for marriage.
In a narration, he stated that a woman is married for four
things:
1. Her wealth,
2. Her family status,
3. Her beauty, and
4. Her religion.
Sometimes, it really amazes me how timeless the wisdom found
in hadiths is. Even though Prophet Muhammad shared these wise
words 14 centuries ago, what he said still holds absolutely true today.
We can now look at each of the four criteria he mentioned
one by one.
The Heiress
Marrying a wealthy woman, or rather, marrying into a wealthy
family, brings with it many social and financial advantages. It results in an
automatic and immediate social-class upgrade, and opens the doors to a
completely new lifestyle for a man. That is why heiresses to massive fortunes,
and the single daughters of wealthy businessmen, tycoons, and industrialists,
have no dearth of marriage proposals.
While it is true that a wealthy woman often has a penchant
for putting on airs and graces, but with the incessant support of her
financially sound clan behind her, there is bound to be no dearth of material
comforts for herself as well as her husband and children, once the marriage has
taken place.
Therefore, a man who marries a woman for her wealth can sit
back and relax about never having to worry about, or struggle too hard for,
providing for the basic (and not-so-basic) needs of his wife and children.
Instead, he stands to gain more through this marriage in terms of an upgrade of
his lifestyle and standard of living.
And that is why the first reason mentioned by the Prophet,
for which a women is married by a man, is her wealth.
The Noble Woman
The second reason for which the Prophet mentioned that a
woman is married is her lineage or family background (“hasab” in
Arabic). It is true that Allah has favored some human beings over others as far
as blood line and family nobility is concerned.
It was not just in centuries-old Arabia, but it so happens
in every other country of the world, that nobility and royalty is held in
higher esteem and regard than the so-called ‘lower’ races. And whilst Islam
abolished slavery and equalized all races and ethnicities before Allah,
marrying into nobility or “blue blood” is still considered a privilege by most.
A man who marries into a noble family, even if they are no
longer wealthy, stands to gain more honor, prestige and respect from society
after marriage. He will become related to, and will be able to mingle socially
with, people of noble descent: the bloodline descendants of those who achieved
worldly, scholarly, royal, or aristocratic greatness.
For example, in the modern day, this scenario can be
envisaged by imagining someone marrying a woman who hails from the direct line
of descendants of Prophet Muhammad himself. No words are further needed to
describe the supremeness of this honor.
The hand of a woman who belongs to a noble and high-class family
has a higher value than the one who descends from e.g. a slave tribe, or who
was a product of rape or adultery, with the identity of her father unknown.
The Beauty
The third reason for which men seek the hand of a particular
woman – and this one is the easiest to understand – is her physical beauty. Men
traditionally attach a very high value to physical attractiveness when it comes
to choosing the woman they will conjugate with, and who will give birth to
their children, for obvious reasons.
In fact, I think that most men today place a higher value on
their future’s wife physical beauty, than even upon the other factors mentioned
in the above hadith, because of the increasingly superficial,
apparent nature of all worldly affairs and relationships today.
In a world that places immense importance upon an
individual’s life being outwardly “picture perfect”, on the appeal of “eye
candy”, with wedding photos being broadcasted to thousands of viewers in real
time with a single tap on a screen, the looks of the woman who will be draped
on your arm for the rest of your life carry more worth than even her personal
wealth (a.k.a “net worth”) or her family’s social class/status.
The Devout Muslimah
Last but not the least, the fourth reason that Prophet
Muhammad mentioned for a woman being sought in marriage, is her Deen or
religious commitment. He mentioned it in the end, but empathetically urged all
Muslim men to choose their wives for this reason first.
The question remains: why would any man in his right mind give
the greatest importance to the faith and religiosity of his future wife?
I mean, wouldn’t he be crazy to do that, knowing that
religious women observe much stricter moral standards of actions and behavior,
and place many more restrictions upon themselves and their families than the
comparatively more easygoing, ‘flexible’ women who have looser morals?
And what man in his right mind would want to be seen with a
black burlap-sack in public?
Contrary to popular belief and what is apparent to the naked
eye, the religiously-inclined and committed wife is a joy for her husband to be
around. I think that the Prophet’s own words should be enough for Muslim men to
“hear and obey” them, without requiring explanations and justifications about
the “how” and “why”.
That being said, a Muslim man should choose the religious
woman when searching for his wife because she will ensure his and their
(future) children’s well-being in the Akhirah (Hereafter). She
will not give priority to this world at the expense of their Deen,
either at a collective or an individual level in their family.
The beautiful and wealthy wives might lose their beauty and
wealth, over time or by accident, so the purpose for which they were married
will be gone, and this might make the marriage lose its blessings.
The noble woman’s family status might be of temporary
benefit only in this world, but it could prove to be a bane if her relatives
are debauched and morally corrupt, no matter how blue their blood is.
But the religious wife will always guard her Deen and
that of her family with every ounce of will that she possesses. She will take a
stand for what is morally right and good, and will push (a.k.a “manipulate”)
her husband to do the same. She will refuse to obey him in matters that
are haram (impermissible), in effect forcing him to act
according to what Islam says, even if he doesn’t initially want to.
Last but not least, she will raise their children upon
the Deen as well, leading to ultimate and eternal success for
them both in the Akhirah, allowing them to earn good deeds in their
graves even after they are dead and gone. There can be no better investment for
his eternal future abode than to have such a wife.
